today...

I mourn... of what could have been today.

Today I surrender to the fact that even though a decision is logical & right in every sense, supported & approved by everyone, there is nothing easy about its execution. I live by the phrase "There's no such things as no choice, it's just the consequences that stop us from choosing". The consequences go on and on like a stream, sometimes in a trickle, sometimes gushes and I am the rock by the stream, carved by its incessant flow.

2 months ago, I could have gone ahead with it. I made a decision overnight to put a wedding off. In the last 2 months, I feel like a ragdoll in a whirlpool. Thoughts run through my mind like sand in a sandstorm... making me teary & blind.

I am calmed down. Very aware that our decision is right. That it is one that has saved me my life in a way, from confusion & misery. Perhaps my friends were right, I knew too little about what marriage is, and I thank God for these friends. But the pain remains, because today could have been the fruition of our months of anticipation. Although we have merely extended the wait, but reminded of the circumstances, that ache of loss gnaws away painfully in my chest. No I do not blame him, I do not blame him either. Because he loved me in the way he knew how, I am thankful. I was the one who chose... now I live the life of my consequences of my choices.

While my head gives thanks, my heart struggles in the lake of 2 months of my tears, I float like a corpse when I'm tired of struggling, and tries to swim ashore when I have the energy... This is me-time, because alone I must go through this until the shore is found, the shore is Him. because no one knows what the future brings, I can only pray & trust in Him.